I’m really bad at interacting normally with people. My sense of appropriate behavior towards strangers and even acquaintances tends to err on the side of aloof caution. I never want to overstep some invisible boundary and do something which might be construed as improper. Despite this, I apparently do mildly creepy shit fairly often and even cross the line into pure stupidity once in a while.
What do I mean by “creepy shit” exactly? Mostly it’s paying attention to detail. I’ll over hear someone’s name, or see it printed on a Starbucks cup. I’ll be browsing pictures on my phone and notice all the devices I could airdrop. Sometimes I’ll take that information and see what else can be found on social media. I’m not sure why I do it other than idle curiosity. It’s generally not about meeting people as I’ll look up men or women.
Every so often, however, I’ll veer into stupidity territory and try contacting someone I’ve looked up. Today was one of those unfortunate times. A woman I see regularly at Starbucks moved closer to me at a communal table. This might have given me a chance to speak to her like a normal person, but she was wearing headphones and seemed to be intently working. I kept reading my book and journaling, hoping that an opportunity would present itself.
Unfortunately, I had an appointment I was already getting nervous about and needed to leave fairly soon. I’d noticed her name on her cup and decided to see if she happened to have airdrop activated on her phone or laptop. Turns out she did! So I typed up a short message with my contact info and sent it to her as I was leaving. She apparently accepted it as I walked out the door, but has yet to reply so I’m assuming my overture was not well-received.
I’m doing my best to not beat myself up over this too harshly. While it was not exactly the smartest decision, I’m often so crippled by fear and indecision that taking any action towards a goal feels like progress. I’d love to be the type to confidently make connections with people like it was nothing, but that’s just not where I’m at right now. I’m not sure I’ll ever be there. My heart was pounding so hard after I sent her that message, I’m surprised it didn’t lead to an all-out panic attack.
In the past, I would be castigating myself for such stupidity and vowing to never set foot in that Starbucks again. Now, though, I honestly don’t care that much. It’s a shame she didn’t reply, but that could be for a number of different reasons. Maybe I misread the situation prior to sending the message. Maybe she would have responded more favorably had I actually spoken to her. Who knows? I just need to accept that it didn’t work out as I’d have hoped.
